On Track

Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 27, 2003

I have been involved with a married man for a little while. I am married myself, but it was an arranged marriage and I am very unhappy. I stay with my husband because of culture and my small children.

Because I was miserable I was elated to fall in love with a guy I met. I never asked him for anything. I wanted to be able to have a friend in him. I know he will never leave his wife and I don't want him to, but last week I found out I am pregnant by him.

I know the best way forward is termination, but it is tearing me apart as I am Catholic and my third child died at birth last year. When I told him, he totally freaked out big time. He told me to get an abortion as soon as possible. He said I was to present him with the receipt, and he would pay half, as if I am a common prostitute.

He is only the second man I ever slept with. The first was my husband. I am beside myself and cannot sleep or eat. When I try to contact him, he says he is with his wife and family, and I am not to bother him.

It looks like he was only interested in sleeping with me, while I wanted someone to talk to. I feel like dirt. I can't even say it is my husband's as I have not slept with him in over a year. Please help.

Clio

Clio, how did this chain of events begin?

You married a man you did not love. That was the first link in the chain. Love is something we all need. If we don't have love, we are going to go looking for love. That search created the second link in the chain.

You and this man took no precautions to prevent a pregnancy. That formed the third link. Now you have a choice about whether to keep the baby. That link will probably determine not only the baby's future, but the future of your marriage.

Three things suggest you want to have the baby. You recently lost a child, you took a chance on becoming pregnant again, and it is in accord with your religious tradition.

As unhappy as you are in your marriage, your husband must feel the same way. If it is at all possible, you need to sit down and discuss with him the state of your marriage and the best course to follow now. Be forthright in your explanations.

We cannot tell you what decision to make, but the discussion with your husband is central to your future and the future of your children. Right now you are desperate, but once you have done the hardest thing--telling your husband--every day things will get easier. Then you will be on a truthful path, and your future can only be built on truth.

Your actions so far have been based on not facing up to the reality of your situation. Even one more day in that direction will make things worse. If you feel you are unable to discuss this with your husband, then you need to discuss it with a trusted friend or one of the many groups which does pregnancy counseling.

At one time the man you were involved with could have made a decision to protect himself and his wife. That time has passed. He may have created a half brother or half sister to your children and to his own. His price to pay is that the future is your decision, and the law will spell out what his obligations are.

You have a life to live and children who depend on you. Basing your life on honesty can get you back to the kind of life you envisioned for yourself.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

More resources:

RELATED ARTICLES

Financial Freedom Blues
Steps to Financial Freedom, roadmap to financial freedom, achieve financial freedom?Financial freedom seems to be the current buzzword in the world of self-improvement. This has spawned a new industry, and alongside it, some curious schemes and fantastic claims of how to achieve financial freedom in months.

The Angels on My Path
I'm leaving on a TV tour in a few weeks. I'm going to be on the road.

Nothing To Celebrate
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 12, 2002I came across your column by accident. Boy, was it impeccable timing.

You Can Make a Difference
When I study of world these days, I see a lot of despair, and hopeless. There are countless problems that our society faces such as war, the degradation of the environment, and crimeHowever, I believe that there is hope for the future of society.

Thoughts Are Like Seeds - Are You Planting Flowers or Weeds?
"You can't harvest what you don't sow. So plant your desires, gently nurture them and they will be rewarded with abundance.

Misery Can Eat You Alive
This is a true story about a woman I worked with for several years.I'm sure we all know at least one person who cannot find a good thing to say about anything or anyone.

Put To The Sword
Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 23, 2002My girlfriend has an aggressive sense of humor. She teases and likes to parry put-downs.

Problem Solving: The Easy Way To Solve Problems In Life
Life is full of problems.The more you solve them, the more new ones come up.

Control Your Own Destiny
"You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you." -Brian TracyIn order to make choices that may change your destiny, you must first know yourself and what you are creating moment by moment.

Forgiveness
"If unresolved anger is a toxin to the spirit, forgiveness is the antidote." - Brian L.

Israel Is My Son
"And thou shalt say unto Pharoah, Thus saith the Lord, "Israel is my son, even my first-born. And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me;and if thou refuse to let him go, behold I will slay thy son, even thy first born(Exodus 4.

Finding Hope In Trying Times
Growing up, as a child of the 60's, peace, love and harmony were the words being chanted by the hippies, flower children and all who questioned authority and were against the Vietnam War. I remember thinking how I couldn't wait to grow up.

Just a Typical Teenage Boy
Judge not, lest ye be judged. -Matthew 7:1The call was controversial-just as all really close calls in baseball are.

Your Turn On The Holodeck
Good morning Roy, good morning Joseth.Roy? You have in your world's history a wonderful example of what life is all about in the physical world and what it is that you are doing here.

I Dare You To Be Successful
Just imagine how it would feel to be successful..

Flashh! I Thought I Saw A Puddy Cat!
Have you ever had one of those flashes of inspiration? Have you ever just had one of those "knowings" down in the pit of your stomach? No, I don't mean after a big bowl of beans. That's not what I'm talking about.

Self Esteem - What It Really Is and How to Raise It
Self esteem.Now there's a well used and little understood term.

Remember Within
Remember when you were really young? It was an era of inconsequential innocence. Even at this age, your imagination was larger than large.

When Was the Last Time?
When was the last time you smiled at a stranger?When was the last time you really enjoyed a good meal?When was the last time you did absolutely nothing all day and didn't feel guilty about it?When was the last time you did something special for yourself?When was the last time you anonymously did something nice for someone else?When was the last time you listened without interrupting?When was the last time you picked up the phone without looking at the caller-id?When was the last time you took a bath without any interruptions?When was the last time you made a child feel special?When was the last time you paid your bills on time?When was the last time you forgave someone?When was the last time you confronted someone who hurt you?When was the last time you said "I'm sorry" and meant it?When was the last time you had gratitude?When was the last time you liked what you saw in the mirror?When was the last time you prayed with conviction?When was the last time you stood up for yourself?When was the last time you paid someone a genuine compliment?When was the last time you avoided gossip?When was the last time you were happy with your weight/hair/skin/clothes/job?When was the last time you hugged your child?When was the last time you told someone you love them?When was the last time you silenced your inner critic?When was the last time you focused on your strengths instead of your weaknesses?When was the last time you did something you love?When was the last time you took a nap in the afternoon?When was the last time you shared in someone else's success?When was the last time you patted yourself on the back?When was the last time you took care of yourself?When was the last time you had a complete physical?When was the last time you went to the dentist?When was the last time you took a day off from work?When was the last time you felt satisfied with your life?Marie Magdala Roker is a Personal Development Coach an Author of Successful Thinking for a Successful Life: How to Banish the Unhealthy Thoughts and Habits That Limit Your Success. Her Successful Thinking? Program is an affordable coaching resource that offers support and encouragement when there are roadblocks to success.

Everybody is Somebody
I wrote about my life and all that I have had to go through. I also ended that story with a little bit about how my life has since changed, but I want to take it further.